May 5, 2009

That's a Close One

Several months ago my wife was messing around with my razor. I'm not exactly sure what she was doing, but...the razor was moved. Somehow it got dropped; the lid popped off and all the innards became outtards and plopped out all over the bathroom floor. My wife gathered it up, cleaned everything and put it back together; minus one of the 3 rotary blades. Thankfully I happened to have an extra set of blades that I keep in my bathroom drawer so that I can switch blades out when I want to clean it. I asked her what happened and she said she dropped it and couldn't find the rotary blade -- anywhere. I thought to myself that that's impossible. It didn't just disappear. So of course having a lot of trouble believing that it just disappeared I spent twenty minutes tearing my bathroom apart looking for it. Only to find that my wife was right. Some how the rotary blade had disappeared.
I replaced the lost blade and that was it. End of the story.

About a month ago I was getting ready to shave when I thought I'd better clean my razor. I somehow dropped it; the innards fell out all over the floor and I might have muttered an expletive below my breath while I carefully gathered it up. As I began picking it up I was paying close attention to how many pieces I had. One of these. Two of these. One of...Hey! Where's the rotary blade? I began moving everything and basically spent twenty minutes trying to find it. And then a little voice in my head was saying, "Dude, look in the toilet bowl. Yeah that's it. Now bend down and look a little closer, under that elbow thingy. You see what you got there?"

"Oh yeah," I said. "Yeah, that's no good."

And then I reached over and flushed the toilet.

"Okay," That little voice said. "Do you see what you just did there? You just flushed a piece of metal down your drain. Titanium. A little circular do-dad with a gajillion tiny teeth on it. If that gets stuck somewhere it's going to start grabbing onto stuff. Like toilet paper and stuff. Do you see what I'm saying..."

"No. No. Noooooooo." I hollered. So I quickly flushed the toilet 13 times because hey that's a magical number. That will flush it down into the sewer. I hope.

Three Days Later
My wife and I go out to buy me a razor. And not just any razor. This razor has got to be the perfect razor. And change would be good. Let's try something different. We hit 4 stores and I am not happy. The perfect razor cost $239.00 and I am not spending that much money on something that I am going to end up replacing in 2 years or so anyways. I've never had a razor that lasted more than a couple of years. But then, I've never had a $239.00 razor either. I've always used a three rotary blade razor and been happy. Well I was looking for change so I got myself one of the two foil razors. I took it home and I plugged it in and waited for it to charge up overnight. In the morning I turned it on and I thought I had just gone to watch the Nascar races. The thing was so loud it literally scared me when I turned it on.
"I hate this!" I yelled.
Now it had been a few days since I had shaved so I was going to have to use the trimmer first. I ran the blade across my face and the trimmer seemed to work fine. Other than the fact that it shot stubble out in all directions for at least 5 feet. Kind of messy I thought. And so now the shave...
I ran the razor across my chin and I started screaming. This PS 3000 Titanium Ultra Close Special Micro Screen was literally ripping the hair right off of my face. I did this for about 14 seconds and I then had a look see. I had to finish what I had started. After spending a few minutes shaving I ran my hand over my face and chin and there were still patches of stubble all over the place. It seemed like loggers had gone in and clear cut one area and then moved on to another. I ran the razor for another 5 minutes and I still had hair on my face. So I went back and plucked it out with tweezers. After I was done I looked in the mirror and I had tiny little red spots on my chin. They were blood spots from my hair being yanked out at the roots.
One Month Later
Last night Lois brought me home a new razor. It is a floating rotary brand that she picked up for $40.00 and it had been on sale at half price. Regularly $80.00 and something.
Goodbye you piece of junk PS 3000. I've got the...the...the...
The PS 3001 Titanium Ultra Close Rotary Micro Screen. Your brother.
I am waiting for it to charge right now.


Krëg said...

Yeah, I just gave up and grew a beard. Much easier.

Linda S. Socha said...

Funny post! Unfortunately it reminds me of the ....night of the leg shaves.. Those blades are possessed!

Laoch of Chicago said...

I have a Braun electric razor that is 5 years old and still kicking but sadly probably nearing the end of its days.

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

Kreg, that only works if you are able to keep enough hair on said chinny chin-chin.

Linda, "Night of the Leg Shaves?"
Sounds much like an old B rated flick. :)

Laoch, The razor I had was actually pretty good before the pieces went missing. It was a Phillips and I should have kept it and looked for new blades.

zakary said...

Damn, what about just shaving with an old fashioned razor? But, I don't feel sorry for you because I shave my armpits/legs/, pluck my eyebrows and wax my moustache almost everyday.

Good luck with the new razor though. You deserve happiness. :)

zakary said...

I just remembered the time that my friend and I snuck her Mom's Epilady and used it when we were in 5th grade. It was terrible. I vote for the beard.

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...


An epilady. Did you know you were a masochist while you were growing up or was that just like the biggest mistake of your life? Ouch.

Debra W said...

Funny story. And I do hope that you have better luck with the new razor! Just wait until your daughters decide to try using it to shave their legs! My husband decided that it would be better to keep his hidden once one of ours tried that. A man has to have SOMETHING of his own in a house filled with women!


Lilly said...

That was a great post!! Now I want to know will this latest purchase work? Its kind of important given you are using it every day hey? Have you ever had a beard? My daughter uses an epilady - and must have thick skin or a high pain threshold because she doesnt think they are that bad (yikes!!).

Anonymous said...

Bass-ackwards. Literally.

-- Marie


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