October 15, 2008

My Friend Bob...(part 1)

My friend Bob was ranting to me the other day at work about the cost of living and the fate of the economy in general. I like Bob. I understand him. But I have to watch him or he'll sometimes leave me in the dirt. One minute he will be talking to me about the Olympics in China and the next thing you know, he is asking me about the idiots who poured his driveway.

"What do you think, Beaux," he will ask me, "Should I sue those idiots?" (this isn't his choice of words either).

"Well, I don't know Bob," I'll say, "Maybe if you told me the story first than I could give you an opinion."

"See that's what I like about you, Beaux. You're always listening," he'll say.

And then he is off on something else...

"You know I went home yesterday and I turned on the television and there was nothing on. Just a bunch of junk. And you know my son moved out right?" he looks at me and I nod my head yes, "So it's just me at the house. Alone. By myself. He'll come over sometimes to eat dinner. But anyway, I'm thinking to myself, why should I be paying for dish when there's just me? I only had it because my son liked watching it. It doesn't make any sense to keep paying for it if I'm not going to watch it. So I call the dish guys up and I'm telling the lady that I want them to disconnect my service. I don't want it anymore."
And the gal says, "Well, didn't we just upgrade you Mr. So and So? (not his real name).
"Why yes," I tell her, "You guy's just gave me like twenty extra channels. But how many advertisements do you think I really want to watch? I'm looking to start saving some money, not keep spending it. And I'm not really interested in some guy who goes fishing all day long and then ends up throwing them all back. What's up with that? Plus I'm single and I don't want to buy a bunch of jewelry. And who the heck is that guy who is trying to sell all his guitars? Nobody wants his painted guitars. I mean, I'm in a band. I play rock and roll. I can't imagine anyone wanting to buy his guitars."

So I notice Bob has stopped talking and I look up from what I'm doing because I suddenly realize he's waiting for me to say something. "So are they disconnecting it? " I ask.
"Well, now hold on a minute, Beaux," Bob says, "I'm getting there."

"So I ask the woman what needs to happen. Do I have to take the whole day off and wait for someone to show up?"
"No, not at all Mr. So and So. What we will do is send you a couple of boxes with some instructions in it and then you can disconnect the receivers in your home and unscrew the cone that's in the middle of the satellite dish by yourself. Then all you have to do is pack it up and send it back to us."
"Well now, how long do I have to wait for you guys to do this. When are you going to be sending someone out to disconnect everything?"
"Oh that won't be necessary; we have already taken care of that, Mr. So and So. I'm processing your order right now."
"Well, when are you going to turn it off?" I ask the lady.
"Oh, I have already turned everything off, you've been disconnected for about five minutes now."

"So I walk over to my T.V. and I turn it on and guess what? There's nothing but dead air. With a flip of a switch she has already shut me down. Why does it always take a month to turn everything on?"
"I don't know, Bob," I say, "They probably have a lot of orders to fill."
"Yeah, you're probably right. They have to run a line and put up a dish and if you live in a new house like mine, then none of that stuff is there yet."
"Yep," I say.
"Do you know what else I did yesterday?"
"Well no, Bob, what did you do?" I ask.
"Well, I'm sitting there in the living room with nothing to do because I just turned off the dish, right, and it occurs to me that I'm still paying for the internet. So I get up and wander into my son's room and I'm looking around and I'm thinking to myself I don't need this internet service anymore. I don't even have a computer. So I call them up and I tell them that I don't want it anymore and right away the guy is asking me if everything is all right or if I'm unhappy with their service and I'm thinking to myself that it's none of his business. I don't want to have to tell this guy that my son just moved out and I won't be needing his services any more. It's none of his business. So I just yell at him and tell him it's none of your business.
And I'm talking to this guy for a little while longer and he finally says. 'I've taken care of everything Mr. So and So. If you have any problems then please don't hesitate to call us back. And thanks again for using blah-blah-blah.'
'So then I'm disconnected?' I asked him.
'That's right Mr. So and So, you've been disconnected now for about five minutes.
''Wow, that was fast,' I thought to myself.

"Do you know how much money I saved yesterday. I just saved myself over $200.00." Bob says.
"Wow, maybe I should be thinking along those lines." I tell him, knowing full well that that's not going to happen.
"Now all I have to do is go home and pack up those boxes," he says.
"I thought they were going to be sending you some?" I asked.
"Yes, but when I asked her how long it was going to take she kind of freaked me out."
"Why?" I asked him.
"Well, I'm not really sure but, I think I heard her say, 'Have you checked your porch yet, Mr. So and So?' "

And then he adds...

"...yeah, thanks Beaux. I think I am going to sue those concrete guys!"

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